Fashion Store by August Macke/December 31, 1913/Public Domain per Wikimedia Commons |
I was informed, and rightly so, that I made a structural error to my verse (see the first version, at the bottom of this post below.) Now, I admit to breaking poetic rules on occasion, but you gotta know the rules to break 'em. And 'though I've written a number of Ovijello poems in the past, I forgot a key/signature element to this form. I humbly apologize for my careless error. That's what comes from writing in haste when one is tired, and full of hubris.
Here is the revised version of my poem.
It’s in the Cards
My credit cards await
their fate
which is to spend the max
at Saks
and other fancy shops
with stops
to buy some shoes and tops,
a handbag, lipstick, jewels.
No limit and no rules.
Their fate at Saks, with stops…
Their fate at Saks, with stops…
###
Here's my entry:
Props
My credit cards await
their fate
which is to spend the max
at Saks
and other fancy shops
with stops
to buy some shoes and tops,
a handbag, lipstick, jewels…
No limit and no rules.
Ya gotta have your props.
Ya gotta have your props.
###
Anyway, as you can see, I've obviously been away from my blog for a while, and whilst I make no promises presently, I figure it's all for creativity, and that is generally a very good thing.
RJ! I'm so glad you played. I love your rhymes here. My understanding of the form is that the 10th line should pick up lines 2, 4 and 6, in a row, verbatim. I think with a few tweaks, this will meet the bill nicely. You're the Form Queen, always, in my book, Girl.
ReplyDeleteYikes! Fix is in - and thanks for the schooling. My bad. 8x
DeletePERFECTION now! (Which, from experience, I knew you were capable of!) You truly are the form queen. Sorry to be the Rules Gestapo on this one, but you seriously rocked it.
DeleteYour wit, humor and way of flowing words into forms always, always astounds me. I love your work.
I <3 you!
DeleteGreat to see you again, RJ! Your wit is right up to speed here.
ReplyDeleteFun even before the needed tweaks and I love that picture.
ReplyDeleteAh...missed that. Not usual for me, but (oh well). Tweak/revision coming. ��
ReplyDeleteAh... Love the result... i wonder if this is easier on someone else's credit... Great to see you at dVerse :-)
ReplyDeleteThanks so much!
DeleteI'll visit everyone else tonight after work. Sorry I haven't looked sooner, but ... life. (Ok - bad excuse, but I SHALL rectify things.) :D
ReplyDeleteWow! This is such an awesome piece :D
ReplyDeleteThank you!
DeleteThis comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
ReplyDeleteSo gorgeous. Well done, RJ. xx
ReplyDeleteThanks so much!
DeleteWhat fun to shop without worrying about paying for it later on ~
ReplyDeleteLovely work on the form and thanks for joining in the fun ~
Thanks so much!
DeleteThis is very fun and whimsical. I think the "correct" ending line really makes the poem so I'm glad you fixed it. ;) Peace, Linda
ReplyDeleteAs one shopper to another, I loved it...and that title. Fun!
ReplyDeleteThanks!
DeleteI like the last line of your original better than the revision, you've gotta have those props
ReplyDeleteThanks - and while I agree that both endings can work, De was right that I didn't follow the rules. Like I said earlier, it's okay to break rules, but only when you're sure of what you're doing. Since I made an error, I needed to make that change.
DeleteIn any event, I appreciate the input.
this is lovely...
ReplyDeleteThanks!
DeleteI think both versions are wonderful. Sometimes it is fun to break the rules.
ReplyDeleteTrue that! And thanks!
DeleteAh.. Art
ReplyDeletenow human
aLL dresSinG
uP... Human
flesh
feeLinGs
Sun on
sKin..0%
credit
free
Loan
bONe iN
Re-port
oF uS..:)
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
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